This was a mistake. I booked the ticket because the train was £207 – I failed to book in advance, and the coach was £43. I should have known something was not right when I was quite unable before the trip to find any information about the journey. I thought we would go through the tunnel. The coach was scheduled to leave at 21.30 French time and arrive in London at 05.30 London time. I could not understand how the trip could take nine hours. It actually took thirteen hours. Louise arrived at Victoria Coach Station at 05.00 to surprise me. I have told the story with our messages, Messenger and text, a few notes, and pictures I took with my phone.

19.51 Mike(in Paris) : At coach station. Are you available for a chat?

21.25 Mike: I’m on the coach. Looks like I might have a double seat to myself. Phone on charge to get me through the night.

21.25 Mike: smiley face with dark glasses.

21.53 Louise: Ick. Sorry. Out of signal picking kids up. Will call later. Xxx

Louise: Oops that was meant to be sent ages ago.

21.53  Mike: Don’t worry

Louise: Glad you’ve got a double seat. Have you left?

21.54  Mike: I’m on the bus but we’re not moving

Louise: Oh… a bit late leaving then?

Shall I call? Can you talk?

21.55  Mike: Try

I’ve put earphones in

Louise: Ok

21.56  Mike: You’ll have to do the talking

Louise: Bigli Migli with loads of hearts

04.58 UK Border Control, Calais. This woman later guided the driver from Dover to London. He didn’t know the way.

Note: 5.10 French time, and still in France.

06.08 Text to Louise: On a ferry, can you believe. Running at least two hours late! Thought I’d send this before I lose network. A totally insane experience. Much love xxx

(Unknown to me Louise is already at Victoria Coach Station to surprise me and give me a lift home.)

06.10 Text from Louise: Xxx stay chilled. See you soon. Xx let me know when you are off the ferry.

Note: 6.36 and I finally leave France – on a fucking ferry. One hour thirty-five minute crossing. I feel as if I have descended into an underclass.

English time (one hour back)

07.10 Text to Louise: À

07.11 Don’t know what that was!

Back on the bus

White cliffs ahead

07.13 I won’t be on the planned train, I’ll keep you posted with progress

07.13 Text from Louise: It was an expression of delight to be back on English soil, tinged with the disappointment of expecting further delays on the M20. All in one character. See what a great writer you are!

Dover or Folkestone?

07.13 Text to Louise: Dover

You saw the accent

07.16 Text from Louise: I’m looking forward to seeing you. Just on case you didn’t know. X

In case

07.17 Text to Louise:  My feet, at least my wheels, are on English soil…

07.18: I’m very looking forward to seeing you too xxx

Note: 07.43 English time we get out of frontier control at Dover, the passengers giving the driver directions. Christ, we are two and a quarter hours late already, and we have to drive to London.

08.10 Text from Louise: Do you know what time you are expecting to arrive at Victoria?

08.30 Text to Louise: No, don’t know. Probably another hour. Luckily some of the passengers near the front know the way, and are helping the driver!

Had a nap x

08.31 Text from Louise:  Nice (-:

09.41 Text from Mike: Still not at Victoria. The driver really doesn’t know the way!

Found some cricket to listen to

09.42 Text from Louise: : Has he heard of Sat nav?

Are you in London?

09.50

I wrote to Eurolines to complain about this trip. They apologised and offered me ten euros off my next trip, valid for six months.